King Leonidas


Like many ancient mythological rulers, Leonidas was disputed to have otherworldly powers that helped him in his wars and conquests. A subject of debate amongst scholars for as long as there has been both scholars and the word "amongst", it is a certainty that one of these powers has something to do with either the manipulation of the flow of time, or at least moving at speeds that are at odds with time. The second affects projectiles, though specifically how is up for contention. All we have is a set of raw data concerning the uses of these powers.

Leonidas reportedly used his abilities to slow and speed time frequently during his battles. The main point of contention is if this was an alteration of the flow of time, or whether he simply varied the velocity of his movements in high extremes to confuse his opponents. Scientific study seems to suggest that his fellowSpartans could also utilize this ability of slowing the flow of time, and then suddenly bursting forward in a fit of superhuman speed.

Leonidas and his army also had a strange proficiency for throwing spears with impossible accuracy. Due to rigorous scientific analysis, it has been proven that this ability was only ever used in tandem with the alteration of time. In other words, a projectile thrown by a Spartan is only guaranteed to strike and kill its target if time has been either slowed or sped up. The relatively slow movements of any targets would therefore account for the Spartan legion's superhuman accuracy. One of the few times this ability has failed was when Leonidas tried to kill the Persian King Xerxes. However, Historians have proved that Leonidas was at a disadvantage, as he was 500 feet away and had three arrows pierced through his chest at the time of throwing the spear. Therefore, it would not be unreasonable for him to only manage to graze the Persian King's face.

Leonidas is highly adept at kicking people into holes and pits of any size. In the rare case that a pit is not available behind where the unlucky kickee is standing, then Leonidas will utilize his rarely seen ability of conversation, craftily tricking them into moving by telling them, "Perhaps we should walk a little to cool our tongues". While a nonsensical statement, Leonidas' psychological warfare renders them helpless to be lead by him like sheep. When the kickee is finally in the right position with a bottomless pit handily behind them, Leonidas shall proclaim to them the location that they are about to get "pwned" in, and then kick them into the abyss.

Rigorous scientific analysis of the trailer for the movie 300 has shown that Leonidas is very adept at yelling. Computer models have predicted that Leonidas could very easily yell a hole through a man's head. It is unfortunate that he was too wounded to use this ability during the battle at Thermopylae, as he could easily have yelled the entire Persian army to pieces, as well as splintered the hail of arrows launched his way.

Further research based on the trailer, proves that Leonidas and his troops will travel anywhere to the beat of Nine Inch Nails' music.